I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
