you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
