Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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