All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
