I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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