Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
