He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
