The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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