he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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