We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
