If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
