Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
