My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
