I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
