i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
