My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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