You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
