I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.