My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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