O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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