so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
