How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
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Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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