I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
