Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
