I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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