Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He passed out mid-signature
You took a bar mat shot.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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