He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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