There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
All I want is dick and wine.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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