wanna go halves on a baby?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
