I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
