there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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