a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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