...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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