I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
