Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There r osticjed everywhere
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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