Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
