I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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