on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
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She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
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My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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