is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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