Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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