Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So squirting runs in the family.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood