textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
