Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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