Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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