Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
