The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
