You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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