Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
