I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
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I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
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The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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