Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She bit a glass in half.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
