I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize