look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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