A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Randomize
