booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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