Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
