My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
